There is a light surrounding the loss of my husband. I do not mean a positivity to his death, or that I am searching for meaning because there is no silver lining to dying.
I am referring to the community of widows that I love deeply.
I became a widow at 34 years of age with three young children. It is an incredible complexity of pain that lasts long after the funeral, I suspect for a lifetime.
The grief journey is still blowing my mind as I try to grasp it, sometimes the more I think about it, the less I get it, but others understand.
Together, we navigate trauma, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and loneliness in a culture that doesn’t understand grief.
12 Extraordinary Reasons Why I Love Widows
1. Widows Validate Your Feelings
To be acknowledged in your pain for what it is to you and not anyone else is valuable. Society tends to misunderstand how to deal with people who are grieving, and in return, try to fix the person experiencing pain or dismiss it altogether.
A widow will offer unconditional support, understand how significant your feelings are without telling you how to grieve and sit with you in your pain
2. You Can’t Shock a Widow
Widows know that the worst can happen and once the entire world has been torn away; nothing is surprising anymore. With those feelings also come some crazy thoughts at times.
You can confide your deepest confessions, and they say, “oh yeah, me too.”
3. No Judgement. Ever!
Feel how you feel, cope how you cope, just manage, and get through.
Widows are an all-inclusive group that recognizes individual journeys and opinions to be different. You do you, and it is an entirely appropriate way to grieve if it’s supporting your healing, and someone will be right there behind you cheering you on.
4. Widows Are Hilarious!
Widows have an affinity for stress and anxiety – laughter can release some of that tension.
Making jokes becomes a therapeutic tool for approaching hard subjects, or delving into the deep inner thoughts of trauma.
Widows have got the best dark humour jokes, ones that might appal you at the inappropriateness, but together we are coping, smiling, and creating bonds.
5. Grief Creates Fabulous Art
The feelings of pain and loss become overwhelming after the death of a spouse.
In deep grief, your head is scrambled, nothing makes sense, and you don’t know which way to go. Expression through creativity can slow the mind, help untangle the emotions and find a break in the storm.
Widows who have never painted before pick up a brush or put pen to paper in poetry, joining pain with beauty.
6. A Widow Won’t BS You with Clichés
People often don’t understand that all they have to do is show up, and instead, they try to fix a griever’s grief.
They do this by making suggestions on what you can do to heal, or worse, when they have nothing to say, they will look for something good in the situation.
“At least he’s in a better place now.” “At least you’re young and can remarry.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
I won’t fabricate a silver lining to your catastrophe with BS, everything does not happen for a reason, crappy stuff just happens and it’s unfair.
7. Encourage Each Other to Grieve Unapologetically
Be who you need to be, do what you need to do, if something is too overwhelming then just say no, and do it unapologetically.
There will be people who are impatient with your grief and expect you to return to the person you were before your loss.
In the widow world, your healing will always come first without expectations for other’s needs. You will always hear the support you need and encouragement to put yourself first.
8. Widows See the World Differently
When you watch someone lose their life long before they intended to (what it feels like to remove life support), there is a shift in your outlook. Beautiful respect for living flourishes, and time in this world is no longer assumed.
Everything can be taken away at any moment, so love is more powerful, kindness is more important, and you develop a deeper meaning to exist.
The world slows, and instead of climbing the corporate ladder, you not only stop to watch the breeze blow through the leaves, but you also breathe it and feel it filling your body.
9. DIY Home Care Experts
If we collectively come together as a group, we have some badass DIY skills. No job is too small or embarrassing to ask about, and someone is always there to help and cheer you on.
It is amazing the confidence you can gain in yourself once you start trying.
10. Widows Are Not Afraid to Talk About Death
Death and dying is a taboo subject, people don’t like to think about the inevitable, and by not talking about it they seem to think they are avoiding it.
Widows have come face to face with death and have experienced the worst nightmare. Sometimes the only people who can talk comfortably about the details of death or caregiving are others who have experienced it. You can read more about how I guided my children through their father’s death here.
11. Elevated Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and feel what another person is going through.
After experiencing the magnitude of loss that widows have endured, they have developed a more robust emotional intelligence.
I used to hear a sad story and feel heartbroken for the family but move on.
Now I cry for those I have never met oceans away, and I feel the stress, anxiety and pain as I imagine myself in their shoes.
Widows can absorb the suffering of others and feel it in our hearts and our guts.
12. Strength
Each widow I have met has a different journey of emotional obstacles to overcome. Whether their spouse has died in an accident or due to a physical or mental illness, the commonality between widows is that they all have incredible stories of resilience.
When I speak of strength, I do not mean the type of strength onlookers mean when they say, “you’re so strong,” because they cannot imagine going through a similar experience.
I am referring to the strength that allows you to do impossible things, get through the hardest days—the strength to carry on.
Conclusion
I am so grateful to have the opportunity to experience this deep level of connection with others that the grieving community has offered me.
My experiences have led me to a special group of people who are wise beyond their years in understanding human relationships.
I respect and appreciate these bonds with awe when I observe the maturity and connectivity of this “club.”
Let me know what you think? What do you notice as extraordinary among the grieving community?
My husband died of leukaemia in April. We had been married 42 years then it just ended. I am 62, I have 6 children and 5 grandchildren but I feel lost. I have to learn to be me and I dont know where , or if I want to start
Jacqui, I am so sorry for your loss.
It has been a year for me and I am still not sure I know where to start when finding my new self.
Some days still feel impossible and this is all normal, give yourself time. Everything is different now and you need to figure out an entirely new world.
My husband died last year on August 13,2019 from a heart attack but he also was on dialysis since January. I know exactly what you mean. We were married for 33 years. We have four kids and two grandkids. My two youngest are in college. The first few months I felt as if I was dizzy or something. The whole world looked so different. I felt in shock and felt like I had PTSD. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn to be me. And I don’t know where to start either. I’m still taking it day by day.
Hi Cindy, I don’t know if anyone really knows the answer, just taking everything one day at a time is all we can do and the path looks different for everyone.
I am working to rediscover who I am, but I think I am starting by acknowledging that I am a different person now and letting the old me go. Whenever I get to where I’m going I think I will be a whole new me.
Hi Jacqui…my husband passed from lung cancer on Saint Patrick’s day 2019. We had been married for 39 years and dating for 5 years before that. I am 63 the end of this month and I am trying hard to find myself. I was telling myself I was broken and struggling to find my way…I now tell myself I am growing and healing every day! Life is hard and at the moment I am feeling blessed to read about others and the way they feel. It is so hard for people to understand unless they have similar stories. I have 2 sons and 7 grandchildren…we celebrate their dad and poppa and the hard days together and we have all found that sharing stories and talking about him seems to help me and them have a different connection with his passing. One day at a time works for me and I allow myself to just be for that day and not worry about tomorrow. Thank you for sharing your story…I will be praying for you and all on this site! 🙏🙏
On my, you are me!! We were married for 42 years; he died of pancreatic cancer 3 days after our anniversary, 4 days before Christmas. We have 3 children and are raising 2 grandchildren. They are 13 and 15, we’ve had them for 13 years. He has been gone for 2.5 years.
I feel exactly as you, you’ve expressed my thoughts exactly! I know Covid has made things worse, the isolation. I simply feel lost, like you say. I don’t know how to be alone or how to make a life alone. I don’t know where or how to start. I’m 2.5 years out and had thought I would have some idea of how to start by now. But, no. Thank you for writing and letting me know I’m not alone.
This is an inspiring, strong sharing message of real people and real experiences! Thank You!
Ditto!
My husband died last month. He had his first stroke in April (a fit man and in the middle of a big building project at home). We were just coming to terms with his long term disability-he was due to come home in a wheelchair and we had adapted our home to suit our new future. Then “Wham! “ out of the blue he had a second stroke and died. The coronavirus has made it SO difficult to visit whilst he was in hospital and now he has gone forever. Just taking one day at a time, learning new skills and hoping the builders finish soon.
Julie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What an incredible rollercoaster ride of emotions you have been through.
The coronavirus is adding a whole other dimension to a tragic situation. All you can do is take it one day at a time, and sometimes that is even too much, just one minute at a time. I am sending love and strength to you for every day and especially the bad ones.
My husband died in June, COVID has made everything so much harder for me, isolating, working from home, we haven’t been able to have a celebration of life for him yet, which was his only request! Thank you all for words of kindness, we Widows are a very special group of wonderful strong women !
Lots of love to you, I am sorry that COVID has impacted your family in the most awful way.
This has helped me through a difficult time. I was starting to think I was crazy. My husband died a year and a half ago. He had been sick for a while, so I had made peace when he died. But, it seems harder today than the months right after he died. I was in a relationship for a few months but it didn’t work, he was to needy with to many medical issues, I couldn’t revisit that situation again. Now I’m struggling just to find my new path. This isn’t easy.
Thank you for your comment Mary. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It has been a year for me, and I am starting to find some days harder, too, because the months right after were so numbing. I have not been in a relationship since; however, I also know that I could not go anywhere near the role of a caregiver for a long time. I found all of that very difficult. I am honoured to hear that reading this has helped you, and I think feeling crazy is normal.
My husband died at the end of October. He had an awful, painful death and I feel so guilty that I just didn’t let him go earlier. I’m lost in every emotion. Lost that I can’t find my footing without him. Lost that we’d just purchased a different home and he never got to live there. So here I am. Alone. Sad beyond measure although our daughters are trying their best to comfort and rally me. I can’t. I just can’t. Did I die along with him? That’s how I feel. Lost. Totally and completely lost without my best-friend-husband of 34 years. How do I keep moving forward when I can’t. I can’t. I just can’t.
Your blog and this post in particular was shared recently in one of the FB widow groups I joined soon after my husband died, in an accident, August of ‘19. You are so on point that it’s as if I wrote the words myself. Without the love and support of my Tribe, I don’t know what I would have done.
Keep it going. You never know when a non-wid will come across these insights and better understand.
Thank you so much for this comment.
Reading other’s experiences keep me going as well and this may have been my inspiration to get back to writing.
I so need this! I Lost my Kevin 5 1/2 years ago, and our beautiful daughter was only 8 1/2 months old …And I’m still lost….It was sudden and I was devastated & I still am ….. He was my soulmate..my rock …My EVERYTHING!!! For a long time I really thought he was gonna come walking through the front door!! We were older parents I was 43 & My Kevin was 50 when our daughter was born !! We had so many plans… Kevin use to say all the time … Don’t worry babe I’m gonna be the looking 68 year old daddy at her High School Graduation!! Lol.. And we would laugh!! But u know what he would have been Both of us were into fitness & staying healthy & believed we would grow old together & be there fir all of Harper’s milestones. When I got that call on May 14, 2015 My world was ROCKED!! Sometimes it feels like it just ha! I still cry a lot!! I have no desire to date or become involved with any guy, you know I don’t think I will ever meet a guy Like my Kevin … & Harper is 6 now & I am not going to bring guys into her life right now… She has suffered enough loss & you she was 8 months old but she has a tough time with not having a Daddy…. She didn’t want to start kindergarten because thought she would be the only one without a daddy… My heart breaks…. we gave pics & I will always keep his spirit alive!! I’m so glad I have come across you because really need this! I am so sorry for rambling!!
My husband died in December, right before Christmas. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September of 2019. We were married for 46 years and he was never sick and quite healthy all his life. Chemo and radiation began before he underwent Whipple surgery in March. COVID was just beginning and we were unable to see him through all of his hospital stays. We were so hopeful the surgery would be successful but they found spots on his liver which were cancer. We had to deal with sepsis, a blood clot, c-diff and a feeding tube for months. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. It was a long 15 months for all of us. It is going on three months since he died and I am so sad that my life will never be the same without him. It does help to share my journey with other widows.
Your story is the same as mine. Same disease, same surgery, same complications! My husband fought for 3.5 years, so had many more surgeries to deal with more complications. He died in December of 2018, 4 days before Christmas and 3 days after our 43rd anniversary.
I’m so glad I found this site,Thank You all for sharing your stories. I was feeling so alone and lost, Still. Reading the experiences and feelings here has helped.
Love this so much – thank you Janice!
Thanks Mel!
Your reasons I stay connected in the community are so true. Unfortunately I’m part of the club. Love this.
Heidi, I am so sorry that you understand the bonds of the widow community.
I’m sorry for ask of your losses. The struggles are real. I lost my husband after a 6-week battle with cancer. It was pancreatic and by the time we found it it was everywhere. It’s been five months now but most days it feels like just yesterday. We have four kids and six grandchildren and even though they have all been so helpful loving and caring they still have their life and their family. Thank you all for letting me vent and sharing your lives. God bless you all.
I became a widow at 39, January 21, 2021. My husband was 35. And it was my Mom’s birthday. My husbands death was sudden, well the very end was very quick. I luckily, yet unfortunately, if that makes sense; got to be with him as he passed and crossed over. I’m soo lost, and broken. My story is, a very complicated, roller coaster like, story. And I’m struggling real bad, to get myself to be able to be a functional part of society, life in general. My life over the last 3 years, has been a sequence of unfortunate events, and the negativity just won’t let up… I have some people ask, how do you do it? I’d never get out of bed at all; if all this happened to me, in such a short amount of time.. And I have some other people telling me, to basically suck it up, and move on… I know I need to get my life back on track, I just don’t know how to, or where to start..
Hi Janice,
Your writing was so on point for me, I truly believe that as widows we have super powers, and the widows I come into contact reinforce my belief. I have the utmost respect for anyone I come into contact with who has suffered the loss of the husband or wife and just keeps showing up.
I lost my 35 year old husband suddenly, to a massive blood clot on 23 August 2019 after nearly 16 years together. The strength to parent while grieving yourself is incalculable, however, it is so much more doable thanks to a beautiful bunch of women who support me. I choose to focus on them rather than other women who I have know for more years who now leave a room when I enter it, or cross the road to avoid me. Though I am grateful on their behalves that they do not yet understand their actions or true grief.
Thank you for all that you do Janice.
Much love,
Jenn