On March 11, 2020, The World Health Organization declared the outbreak of the Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) a global pandemic. The number of affected countries and confirmed cases continues to rise around the world.

Circumstances are changing rapidly, and parents everywhere are scrambling to keep up. Not knowing what the future holds is an uneasy feeling, and a fear of the unknown causes anxiety levels to rise.

Solo Parenting in a Pandemic

I’m not like the average parent because I am already familiar with the terror caused by this instability.

In the face of a global pandemic, I am a solo parent and a young widow with three children.

This time last year, my husband, Chris and I were in the eye of our own catastrophic storm.

Our routines ground to a halt, and our life melted around us. Our world disappeared as everyone else kept moving ahead in theirs.

Oddly, it’s as if the rest of the world has stopped spinning, giving me a moment to breathe and catch up. I can find a calming aspect to all of this chaos.

A Changing World

A mass event like this changes society. There is a disruption in our interactions with one another, our relationships, and how we feel about daily life. There is also a newfound empathy and greater compassion for another’s hardships. When people become faced with a threat, everything that is important becomes blatantly apparent.

Preparing Alone

Feeling prepared is unique to each individual, you may not know how to get there, and you will fall somewhere on the spectrum between prepared and panicked.

Currently, in Canada, we are practicing social distancing; schools, daycares, bars, and restaurants have closed; plans for border restrictions are in place, and we are down to 4 airports operating internationally. It is a situation that changes by the hour, and all in an attempt to “level the curve.” We must reduce the strain on our healthcare system and protect our loved ones who are working on the frontlines.

I wish I had a partner to “lock-down” with, someone to share the mental load and make decisions with; about the children, our wellbeing, and safety. It would be nice to have another parent to help with supply runs instead of exposing myself and children every time I need to leave the house. Solo parenting in a pandemic is just one more additional challenge I am facing.

Grieving a Little Extra

Chris would have never “let” me make my Costco run this week. It was a trip of epic failure. We touched every inch of the shopping cart, temper tantrum-ed on the floor and even spent 20 minutes in the bathroom. They were out of many of the things I had gone to get, so I joked, “we spent hours at Costco, and all we got was Corona.”

Being in a situation like we are right now can make you miss your person a little bit extra. How would you deal with this together? How would they be helping if they were here? How would it all be different?

Chris always kept us “clean,” constant reminders to handwash, identifying contaminated surfaces and opportunities for germs to spread. I’ve been pushing elevator buttons with my knuckles for as long as I’ve known him, and right now, I miss his “expertise.”

Assessing the Threat

I also feel tremendous relief that Chris is not here today; it would be terrifying. He was a cancer patient receiving chemotherapy with a wiped-out immune system. I often think of all of those who are still travelling to the hospitals to receive treatment.

In some ways, I feel no emotion about this emergency. I lived through far worse when the threat was targeted directly at my family. I don’t fear for myself; nothing is scary anymore; I have already met the end of my world. I fear for my children.

There are estimates that 30-70% of the world population will become infected with Coronavirus. Of those people infected, 5% (or more) will need ICU admission. There are approximately 3100 ICU beds in Canada, and the majority of those are already full. You do the math, if we don’t limit those that get sick, that’s a lot of needed beds.

No Extra Parent

What happens if I get sick? What happens if I die? My children don’t have a parent to lose.

A new report released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) showed that nearly 40% of people needing hospitalization in the U.S. are aged 20-54.

The biggest fear every widow/widower with children has, every day of our lives, pandemic or not, is being here for our kids. Absolutely nothing can happen to me. My life is so much more “valuable” now than it ever was before. Even the thought of being hospitalized is alarming and also something my children would find very distressing after seeing their father in the hospital.

Lottery Statistics

I am 34 years old and aware that statistically, I won’t die. The thing is, though, once you’ve already gone up against such statistics, and then lost, they don’t work for you anymore.

Chris died at the age of 39 from intrahepatic Cholangiocarcinoma (ICC). According to the National Organization for Rare Disorders (NORD), 3000 people are diagnosed with ICC in the U.S. each year. 2/3 of those people are over the age of 65, and the average age at diagnosis is 70 years. Assuming the diagnosis rate in Canada is the same, a country with a population of 37.59 million, that translates to 115 people under the age of 65 diagnosed each year.

I’ll never forget when one of my husband’s friends said, “it’s like you won the lottery! Just the wrong one…”

It Can Happen to You

I know first hand how quickly life can change.

You believe that something won’t happen to you, but it can, and it did happen to me. Solo parenting with young children was not part of my plan, and it was unimaginable.

Death is a daily topic in our house. If my son overhears the words “sick” or “hospital,” in conversation, he instantly stops what he is doing to listen and try to make sense of what is being said. Images of medical personnel are negative signs and hospitals are associated with dead people.

Fear of More Loss

In addition to managing the past trauma of death, I worry about the elders in my children’s lives.

With the loss of their father, my children have become more attached to extended family, and for them to experience another loss right now would be devastating. I am anxious that a more at-risk family member will contract the virus, and my children will be faced with death again.

Talking About the Coronavirus With Children

The concerns are hard to navigate with children who are sensitive about dying and know far more than they should at their age. Lewis is inquisitive about everything that he hears, and so much sounds repetitive to events that happened in our lives a few months ago.

It is essential that when you are speaking to your children about the Coronavirus that you are direct, fact-based and provide simple age-appropriate answers. Children look to the adults in their lives for guidance on how to react to stressful events.

Everything Will Be Alright

My sister, Aunt Jenn, is the next closest parental figure to my children, we miss her. I miss her adult companionship, her support, and the kids miss her love and entertainment. Aunt Jenn works as a respiratory therapist on the frontline of this crisis and has chosen to isolate herself from us. She also fears that I could become infected with the Coronavirus and wonders what that would mean for her.

Please continue to practise physical distancing and adequate handwashing to keep our communities and health care professionals safe.

To learn more about how you can protect yourself and your family, visit your local government websites or the World Health Organization here.

Sending strength to my fellow widow and widowers with children, and all solo parents out there, as you navigate this unprecedented time alone.

If you enjoyed this post, please pin or share, and as always, don’t hesitate to reach out.

We are limited in physical contact, but that does not mean we cannot reach out to each other and be social.