When someone you love dies, the holidays can become extremely painful. It is understandable if you want to shut it all out and wait for January, it’s even ok if you take a pass altogether, it doesn’t make you a Grinch. Grief is different for everyone, and the way that one person is grieving may not be the same way another person is. I have coped this season by finding gratitude when shown the true meaning of Christmas.

I had no intention of celebrating Christmas this year. Cancelling the day was one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind when my husband, Chris, was diagnosed with cancer. I remember thinking that if I had to do Christmas alone, then there was no possible way it would be happening. I felt that there was nothing to celebrate, and I have been pushing forward, doing the bare minimum only for my children.

It has been overwhelming as I prepare for this season without a partner. I am completing the checklist of holiday traditions that were once performed by two parents, and feeling guilty about the items that I am missing.

 The available blog opportunities around the holidays are endless, but after the generosity, I have experienced this week, it was apparent I needed to throw everything I had prepared away.

I have felt suffering this year, I have felt fear for this new life of mine and desperation as I did everything I could to prevent it from happening. The only thing that kept Chris going was the compassion shown to him by some incredible individuals. Along this journey, I have met people that have taught me kindness on a level I didn’t know existed. I have always tried to be a thoughtful, understanding, and patient person, but this year I have learned so much more. 

Through my grief, I am still finding thankfulness.

 It is the gratitude that I feel, that adds little glimmers of positivity to everything that has happened. I don’t expect all of you to understand how it feels when a cancer diagnosis crosses your young family or the challenges of being a caregiver to someone so ill in addition to caring for a newborn baby. You may not know how it feels to pick up the pieces one breath at a time once the illness is all over. I know exactly how all of this feels and more.

I am fortunate because I have also gotten to experience an emotion so intense that it must be rare. A feeling that takes my breath away leaves me speechless and recovers with tears. The only way I can describe this reaction is overwhelming gratitude.

 My tears have been flowing all week long. I can’t decipher my heart anymore, a giant mash-up of emotion. My feelings of grief about Christmas mixed with the non-stop barrage of kindness. It is hard to cope with these feelings of thankfulness, and when I have a moment to catch my breath and calm down, something else happens.

I thought there was nothing to celebrate this year, I was wrong.

While the monetary value of gifts are appreciated, I want to be very clear that every single gesture towards me holds equal significance. It is not the tangible object or the helpful act that you have done for me; it is merely the time and thought.

Christmas is no longer a black hole of sadness that I’m obligated to participate in because I have children. The gratitude I have experienced has shifted my perspective; I want to celebrate the greatest gift I have ever received – knowing how many people have been thinking of me, and all of these thoughts make me realize that I am not alone. 

 The spirit of Christmas has walked through my front door this week.

I will save the planned Chinese food for another day, my mother bought a turkey, and I’ve hung the Christmas Eve dresses in preparation.

We are overflowing with gifts handpicked for each child, by a community comprised of some people we do not even know. Better than all of those gifts is the lesson in giving and gratitude. I know that Christmas has changed forever for my little family. That sadness we feel has been matched with beauty by every individual who has wrapped their arms around us this season to rewrite the Christmas story that we will carry forward with us for every year to come.

A magical Christmas is when thank-you isn’t enough.