If you have lost someone you love this year (or any year for that matter), the approaching new year may have feelings of apprehension associated with it. Glamourous celebrations with optimism for fresh starts surround you; if you are not feeling the magic, you’re likely not alone. The suspense and excitement for the year ahead can quickly turn to anxiety about leaving the year behind when grief is involved.
I have survived the Christmas season, but New Years’ looms on the horizon, and I am forced towards it without any control. Another reminder that time is still ticking, even though, for me, it feels like the clock stopped months ago.
The new year bears a heavy societal obligation for renewal. It applies an invisible pressure to crawl out of the dark hole towards restoration when, in fact, you don’t want to start over at all.
Time waits for no one, not even the grieving.
Nothing highlights the passage of time the way New Year’s does, another milestone that symbolizes distance between a lost loved one and yourself. When the hands of the clock strike midnight, I will be taken further from my late husband and carried into a world of time that Chris doesn’t exist in. At least he was alive in 2019.
The end of the calendar has been a heavyweight on my heart for months. Dread thickened with each turning page, and here we are, thrusting forward not only into a new year but a new decade as well. Each year I have created a family photo calendar to perfectionism, but I didn’t know how to do it this year, so, for now, the wall will hang empty.
Since Chris’ diagnosis with cancer, I have lived in a second world within my head. The “one year ago today,” world. Right now, I am still living in the bliss period of everything was perfect one year ago, but those days are running out at a hurtling speed. Every day that passes is one day closer to reliving the horror show that my life was starting Feb 14, 2019. It was the known beginning of the end.
Besides, the hope in the new year, we are faced with the reflection of the past year. Looking back can evoke unpleasant feelings if you didn’t accomplish what you wished for yourself or your life had hardships.
I look back and repeatedly scream profanity at 2019. Wtf was that?! You actually just dealt me those cards? And I don’t just mean the death of my husband; I’m talking about all of it, that was purely so awful that many days I don’t believe it’s true. I don’t know how I survived it, and I mean that very literally.
We welcomed our third child into this world and our new home in 2019; our lives were just getting started. One hundred and eighty is the number of days we had as a family of 5, and there was little quality about it as it spiralled downhill.
According to every study I read, less than 10% of people achieve their New Year’s resolutions. If this failure makes you feel depressed, you are also not alone, with the majority of people throwing in the towel by February.
I won’t place pressures upon myself more than I am already experiencing, and for the first time, have no plans for any resolutions other than being gentle with myself. A person who is grieving cannot be less sad on a wish, and something about weight loss seems so insignificant now.
Death and grief surround us, yet remain taboo subjects. Going forward, entering this new decade, I will remind myself to be vulnerable, have the courage to talk about my grief and experiences with death honestly and openly. I encourage you to do the same.
You may look at the life of someone who has experienced a death this past year and wish them, ‘Happy New Year,” thinking good riddance to that. Wishes for happiness may not be welcome by someone who is grieving. If New Year’s is not a joyous celebration for you, I understand the sadness. I am sorry you will begin the next year without your loved one, and I wish you and your family well.
Have you have experienced apprehension before as you rang in the New Year, what led to it and did you still find ways to mark the occasion?
I’m so sorry for what you and your family have gone through. Thank you for sharing your feelings and struggles, there are so many people who can relate to this post. Wishing you and your family all the best for 2020.
Thank you for reading ❤️.
Wow this is so sad. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your vulnerability with us, so sorry for all that you are going through. I hope something can make you feel better soon xxx
I had a friend confide in me today that she was glad the holidays were over. When I asked why, she said that after losing her husband, all holidays are more difficult. I cannot image what you’re dealing with. Being gentle with yourself sounds like a good idea with all you’ve been through.
❤️❤️ Thank you, I’m happy it’s over too. Exhausting in so many ways.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️
Thank you Cate.
I’m am so so sorry for the loss your family has experienced 🙁
Recently, I’ve seen a lot on Instagram and Facebook about those going through a loss right before or just after the holidays.
I haven’t lost anyone close to me, but there was 2 stories I read that literally broke my heart. It felt like I almost felt their pain (even though I know what I felt was nothing compared to their pain, heartbreak and loss).
It really shifted my perspective to be more mindful around the holidays for those who have lost someone close or special to them. I can never imagine how hard it is, but I can at least keep trying and practice more mindfulness. Thank you for being willing to share your story and being so open about it!
Take things one day at a time and give yourself as much patience and grace as you can ♥️
Thank you Karissa for such a kind and beautiful comment. I am learning so much about grief myself and feel much more mindful of others now too. It is difficult to navigate in ways I had never given thought too. I also think it is important to recognize caregivers, as they are going through a lot too. Thank you. ❤️
Janice – my heart aches for you. Saying a prayer for you and your family today as you cope with a whole new life without your husband. May the Lord bless you, provide for you, and show Himself to you as you navigate this loss.
Thank you Rachel 🙏🏼❤️.
I am so sorry about your loss. This cannot be an easy time of year of you (not that any time is). Just know that you are strong and doing the absolute best you can. I love that you are giving yourself the time and space to grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your honesty and transparency. It was also a good reminder to cherish those we love as we do not know what tomorrow holds. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for reading. 💕
Thank you for sharing this. Sending love to you and your family.
I am so sorry for what you and your family have gone through. They say time heals all but I have learned it never erases. It only helps you better share your story and the wonderful memories you had with that person. Be gentle to yourself and I will pray that 2020 is a better year.
I am so sorry for your loss. This is a difficult topic to talk about and I am sure you will reach many people who this can help.
So sorry for your loss! Hopefully, this will help others going through a tough time.
So sorry for your loss.
Oh, Janice! My heart aches for you! I could not imagine what you are going through and the pain you are experiencing. Sharing such a raw piece is so brave, and for that, I thank you. Grieving a new year because the previous year was the last year in which you held a loved one is not a perspective I had considered before reading this. I pray that God sheds his blessings on you and holds you tight as you grieve.
Thank you, Amanda. It is so true; I don’t think I would have ever recognized the grief that comes with New Year’s for many until I experienced it myself. Even now that I am one who is grieving, I am surprised, grief contradicts itself and is confusing.
Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. Some things cannot be fixed regardless of the calendar date. Time does not heal all wounds.