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Stop! Forget that post title!
There is no such thing as a bad widow or a good widow. You can’t get better at grief, but you can be gentle on yourself.
You are already a kind, beautiful person who just so happens to be a widow/widower too. And if you’re like me, then your experiences have given you a unique outlook on the world that only people in our situation are fortunate to have.
So, what can you do to make some improvements to your life?
Sure, you could take up running and start training for a marathon, and if you are motivated to do that then I am right here cheering for you every step of the way!
But! My intention is to give you a list of tangible things you can do right now to improve your mind as we move forward together.
Let’s get to it!
1. Drink Water
Don’t we all need to drink more water? Replace those tears and stay hydrated. I know as a mom to three young kiddos and a recent widow, I am fueled by coffee and wine so, I’m telling myself this as much as I’m telling you. For a little extra motivation, I even bought myself this New Water Bottle.
2. Find Your Tribe
Thanks to the world of social media, it is easier than ever to find others talking about their grief. The stories shared will make you realize that your crazy thoughts are not alone; if you’re thinking it, then someone else probably is too. Some people share quotes, while others share f-bombs. You will find comfort and maybe even a little bit of humour, but most importantly, you will find people who understand.
Get in your phone and find your widow family.
3. Your Grief, Your Rules
You are navigating a world that most people can’t begin to understand.
So often, we get comments about how someone else would react given the same situation, followed by expectations about what you “should” be doing.
Its kind of like when people who don’t have children make judgments about other’s parenting.
Until this person handing out advice is a widow/er, they don’t get to have an opinion that you take personally. And even if they are a widow/er, their opinion doesn’t matter (unless you want it to). Everyone’s grief is their own. You do what you need to do to get through one more day. There is no wrong way to handle your pain, and someone else’s journey may look entirely different.
For every person who has cleaned out the closets, there is someone who hasn’t.
4. Task Lists
If you are in the season of early grief, you are likely feeling overwhelmed.
With death comes paperwork, phone calls, and more paperwork. My husband died without a will, and it feels like a full-time job.
Make a list, break up large tasks and do one small thing a day; you will eventually get there.
I can’t go without a Good Calendar to keep me organized.
5. Go Easy on Yourself
You have already made it through your worst days, and you are still here, making it another day, be proud of that.
Remember to set realistic goals that are possible for you to accomplish, so you don’t get discouraged with yourself. Start simple, brushing your teeth can be a goal, that is ok!
6. Watch Your Alcohol
In this no judgement zone, if you are drinking alcohol to cope, you wouldn’t be alone. Alcohol entrenches almost every social activity we partake in these days.
My reminder to you is to be aware and in control of your alcohol consumption.
7. Spend Time with people you like
Your friends have changed. People you expected to be there aren’t. People who said they would be there have vanished.
Spend your energy interacting with people who are conducive to your healing. Surround yourself with what you need and feel OK about distancing yourself from the people who are not supportive.
8. Get Creative
Find your creative outlet. I never considered myself to be a creative person, but in grief, I’ve been having all sorts of desires to make art. I think this is common, as it is a way to express yourself and shed some negativity.
Creativity is not linked to talent; we can all be creative, find what works for you.
- Try a Colouring Book
- Grab a paintbrush, No Sketch Watercolor Projects
- Take one meaningful photo a day
- Write a Journal or try poetry
- Have some fun in the kitchen, The Joy of Cooking
9. Treat Yourself
You have been through hell, its ok to do something for yourself too. I spent a lot of time taking care of everyone else and left no time or money for myself. I’m not about to start promoting retail therapy, and I get that financial insecurity may be scary, but if buying new underwear can start making you feel whole again, do it!
10. Talk to Your Doctor
As always, talk to your doctor, there is nothing weak or wrong about taking medication if it will help you, this may be antidepressants or something for sleep.
Concluding Thoughts
It’s ok to be overwhelmed with life. If you are newly widowed, then I expect you to be.
Often I am advised about things I could be doing to improve my mental health and help me cope with my grief. These suggestions come out of love and support but often leave me thinking, “you want me to add one more thing to my life?? I am already just struggling to exist at my current status quo.”
To make a change in your life is not always about doing more. Reflect on what is meaningful to you and aids in your healing journey while eliminating the additional stressors.
Start small, be consistent, and if its too much, too soon, scale back and go slower.
If you found this post helpful, pin for later.
You are amazing. I am in awe of your strength and resilience. And as for finding a creative outlet, you’ve found it in your writing. It inspires me to be better and I can only imagine the strength and courage you are giving others in your situation.
Thank you, Amanda, for the most beautiful compliment.
It’s amazing to me that in your most difficult time you want to help others in theirs as well. I have always known that you are a beautiful person inside and out and now others get to experience that as well
You my friend are inspiring
Thank you for your kindest words and continued support.
I am so sad that you had to learn so much about this firsthand, but amazed at how strong you are! My mom passed away this past summer, and seeing the mental state my dad is in is really hard, but how can I help or understand what he’s going through you know? This post is very thoughtful of the different stages people might be at with their grief
I’m so sorry you lost your Mom Christine. You must be experiencing a lot of grief yourself.
I think the best thing you can do for your dad is just show up and be there and keep showing up.
This is such a wonderfully written and thoughtful list. And really useful advice for anybody going through the grief process x
Thank you Danielle!
Such a beautiful piece! Your strength and courage to help others in your situation are awe-inspiring and admirable! Much love to you this new year!
Thank you, Amanda.
Janice, you are so inspirational – I so admire your strength in this difficult season of your life. I am not a widow, but last year I grieved the loss of my first pregnancy. I love what you said about getting creative. I’m a musician, and in dealing with the emotions, grief, and even new joy that I found after what I’d experienced, I wrote a lot of new music and am now working on crafting it into an album! It’s sort of a silver lining that grief is an inspiration for our art.
I’m sorry you have also experienced grief. I would not consider myself a creative person at all but it seems to flow from me now and I’m searching for new ways to be inspired. It’s a good feeling and really does help.
Such a good, well balanced article that breaks this down into ‘doable’ things! Hang in there lovely, I appreciate all the hard work you put into this list.
I love how relatable every single item on this list is. Thank you for making it easier for widows to cope.
So sorry for your loss! Being able to even write this shows such strength.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a gift to share your experience to help others through.
This is a great post. Sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I’m so inspired by the way you have turned tragedy into a way to help others.
Pinned and followed. I’d love to collaborate sometime.
This is a great post and good reminder of so many practical things like staying hydrated!
Thanks Kristin!