So, it turns out that writing a personal blog is terrifying!

You know, the day after I shared the blog link on my “Another Strong Widow” Facebook and Instagram pages (not even my personal accounts) I had 682-page views?! Now, most of those people didn’t stick around for long, I only had 13 email subscribers and 0 comments but it blew me away. I hadn’t even announced this page to my friends or family yet! A week later and these numbers have only continued to rise to far more than a thousand views.

Over the last year, I have been forced to face fear head-on. My husband was sick, and when we learned that it was a diagnosis of cancer it overwhelmed my entire being to its core. After being placed in this unthinkable situation I felt physical and emotional responses within myself as I prepared to deal with the events to come.

Fear is our response when we want to protect ourselves from a threat. Not only was I scared to lose Chris, but I was also terrified of losing the life we had built, and the plans that we had made. I was being forced to find a new path and I was frightened by the difficulties that came with this. Even if Chris survived his trial with cancer, my life had changed forever. Before my experience, I did not realize the deeper impacts of cancer or cancer treatments, and that nothing is “normal” again.

I think we are all afraid of change especially when we are happy to be comfortable.

My world was violently shaken. I didn’t just get my toes wet, I plunged off the high diving board into the pool of life which repeatedly tested my limits. When I thought that I was at the edge of my capacity, the world would take it up a notch. At first, I sank, but with determination, I kicked my way to the surface. As cliché as it may sound, I’ve learned that we are capable of so much more than we can ever imagine when you are given no other choice. While I believe I’m still floundering, the drive to survive is the strongest instinct humans have. After all, I have been through, you would think that writing this blog would be easy, but I’m encountering a different kind of fear now.

It is very difficult to expose yourself and display your vulnerable side. I am constantly pushing beyond my comfort zone one mouse click at a time. It takes courage to navigate this new life of mine as well as in creating “Another Strong Widow.”

I am proceeding with the assumption that if I try long and hard enough, then writing a blog will eventually become something that I am no longer scared of. An exercise in personal growth forces you out of your comfort zone and can change your life. I believe I have already improved my quality of life because writing has given me a direction with purpose. Who knows what will come next?

While building the blog, I am applying myself, learning new skills and therefore moving forward, when I otherwise wouldn’t know which way to go. Often, we avoid discomfort, but by changing my mindset and choosing to embrace it, I am on a path to redefine who I am in my transformation through grief. Step outside your comfort zone because that is where you will find yourself.

To be vulnerable means to take chances. “Do one thing every day that scares you,” is a motto that I have never abided by so much as I am right now.

So, what exactly am I afraid of now? I ask myself what is the worst thing that can happen? I suppose it is letting people into my thoughts and allowing myself to be judged is the most intimidating aspect. What if my writing isn’t good enough? What if my words are too revealing and I should be more private? What if I can’t continue to produce content? These are the thoughts that hold me back, tempting me to flee and protect myself.

The opinions I fear the most are those of the people that I personally know. In a society of social media, we are used to hiding our flaws, and it is only when we feel safe with the person whom we are speaking, that we may choose to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable does not mean to be weak. Stop searching for approval, move beyond only your positive attributes and show your authenticity. Life is not a competition and is more meaningful than the status you hold. Very few people care about the things that you have or do.

The words of others, who share experiences similar to mine, have been a greater help to me than those of anyone else in my life. The more vulnerable a person chooses to be, the greater the benefit I have received. In these instances, I have found someone who can relate to my deeper thoughts, the ones that I am often unable to speak out loud. There are even deeper feelings within me that I try to avoid and push from my mind that can become normalized by someone else’s vulnerability.  I can begin to accept my thoughts, embrace them, and heal them. Being vulnerable is healing to others.

I wish to show you a part of who I am, in an attempt to help people, and to do this I need to suppress the fear of how others will respond. I am insecure about what I write and the details I share but perhaps once I become more comfortable with blogging then I can work on pushing the limits of what I talk about. I’ve already received an email message from someone I do not know and that is very exciting. It makes it all worth it.

Eleanor Roosevelt summed it all up perfectly, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

When was the last time you did something outside of your comfort zone? Let me open the door for you to be vulnerable too.